Dear Lori

I'd love to answer your questions about adoption. I don't claim to be an expert but as you well know, I'm not shy about giving my honest point of view. So post your questions and I'll try to answer them either in the comments or in a separate post. We'll call this the "Dear Lori" series. Here's our first question:

Dear Lori,
I've had several friends adopt babies. It is really hard to know how to talk to them! Seriously - even though I struggled with infertility for 7 years before my first baby was born - there seems to be this invisible divider between "us" with normal pregnancies and "them" who can't (or don't). Does that make sense? Anyway, I'd love it if you'd write about the right and wrong things to say.

Signed,

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

Either I'm not that sensitive or everyone has been blessed with the right words to say but I haven't experienced many inappropriate moments. Since that wouldn't be a very helpful response from an advice columnist, I'll give you my top 5 list of what not to say.

1. "Do you know Johnny's* 'real mom'?" - Uh yeah, that's me. I'm his "real mom." I doubt anyone would question that as the people who cared for Lillian every minute of every day, Jeff and I were her "real parents." That brings us to what we should call the person who gave birth to the child who is also, BTW, a real mom. Personally, I prefer the title birthmom over biological mom or natural mom. To me it honors the relationship and reflects the gift of life. "Biological" seems cold and "natural" makes it sound like being an adoptive mom is unnatural or something. Some birthmoms prefer the term first mom as well.


2. "Was Johnny's* birthmom on drugs/really young/other negative stereotype?" - Not only does this insult the genetic heritage of the child but it's just plain disrespectful. This is an area of greatest misconceptions. At our agency, the average age of a birthmom is 25. 43% of the children placed experienced no prenatal drug or alcohol exposure and another 23% experienced only mild exposure. Regardless of the statistics, imagine the strength of character required to endure a pregnancy and delivery only to allow someone else to raise this beautiful baby. There are many other seemingly easier options but these brave birthparents choose to put their child's needs above their own. Birthfamilies are the true heroes of adoption and should be treated as such.


3. "Aren't you afraid that Johnny's* birthfamily is going to want him back?" - Well if I wasn't before, I am now...thanks a lot. Once the birthparents have signed consents (about 48 hours after the birth), they have terminated their parental rights. And Oregon law favors adoptive parents. But really, why even bring this up? Don't parents have enough to worry about?


4. "Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant." - Oh really? When did you become an expert in this area? I honestly think this happened to one couple in the history of the world and somehow EVERYONE knows them. It's like the 6 degrees of the adoptive parents who miraculously conceived. Sarcasm aside for a moment (which is hard for me to do), this rarely happens. And if it does happen to us, yippee! More kids to love. Oooo, and we can become the stuff of urban legend.


5. "Can't you have children of your own?" - Adopted children or biological children, they are my own. 'Nough said.

Don't be afraid to say the wrong thing. As long as you are approaching the subject with a genuine desire to learn and without any preconceived stereotypes, I for one, won't be offended. But in return, don't be offended if I correct a mistake. That's how we all learn.

Sincerely,
Lori

*To make my life easier, the adoptive child in these scenarios will be referred to as "Johnny". He/she/the child/etc was just too confusing to write.