Around the world and back again

I had the good fortune (?) of traveling to Tokyo, Shanghai, Amsterdam and home in the span of two weeks.  It was a lesson in packing, cultures, endurance and jet lag!  I spent essentially 2 days in each location locked in a room conducting training sessions before jumping on a plane and going to the next stop.  Efficient but not exactly fun.  I was treated to a lovely meal with great people in each location which got me out of the hotel/office.  All in all, it went more smoothly than expected!

Managing 101 - What Not to Do

I tend to shy away from talking about work as some of my co-workers lurked around here from time to time. But with my blogging lull, I'm guessing that they've all gone on their merry way. And what the heck, it's my blog!

Like many people, I've worked for a myriad of managers over my career. Most have been good-hearted which tends to erase any managerial shortcomings. But there have been a few doozies over the years.

My first manager liked to stroll in around 9am, apply her make-up for the next 15 minutes before running out to grab some breakfast. She then spent the balance of her day huddled around the proverbial water cooler complaining about how overworked she was before exiting promptly at 4:30pm. She treated me with a sort of aloof disdain leaving my budding self esteem to wilt under her harsh gaze. When a new manager took over and treated me as though I was CEO potential for doing the exact same work, the skies seemed to part. Everything suddenly made sense and I was quickly promoted. It was then that I realized what a profound impact a manager can make on their employees!

Fast forward through a dozen or so managers across 2 more companies and I have learned a great deal about what to do and sometimes more importantly, what NOT to do as a leader. Which brings me to my latest experience. This one we'll put firmly in the what not to do column. Suffice it to say that my last manager made my first manager look like Mary Poppins. In fact, "boss" is a more appropriate term for her.

My boss would give unclear direction (if any at all) and then verbally abuse us for not delivering her expectations. She would push us for critiques of our co-workers, tell the individual a grossly exaggerated version of the conversation then berate us publicly for not working well together. When things went well, she would pass off our work as her own and when things went poorly, she would step quietly aside to watch us crash and burn. This past year has been a trying one but I was intent on doing my best, helping her succeed and sheltering my team from her craziness. Overall, I believe I accomplished my goals. She was uncharacteristically complimentary in my annual review despite giving me a rather lackluster rating. It was a disappointing end to the year but thankfully my efforts have led to a new job.

Believe me when I tell you dear internet friends that had I written this post a week ago, it would have taken a much uglier turn. But a wonderful vacation and a thought provoking sermon on Ephesians 4:31-32 (31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you) has softened my perspective. So at this point, I'm chalking this one up to just another life lesson of what not to do. And I hope it makes me a better manager as a result.

A real job

After three months of worrying and wondering and then worrying some more, we hit the wall. This week, each employee was told whether they had a job with this company or not. I was one of the lucky ones. But I was in no mood to celebrate as I watched five hundred co-workers pack their personal belongings, dash off a final farewell and stumble numbly to their cars. It is unlike anything I've ever experienced. The company handled this with it's trademark compassion and generosity. But these are friends and they have families and well, it's just been heartbreaking to watch.

The request landed in my inbox yesterday an hour and a half before the meeting to discuss my fate was to begin. If you had walked into my office during those 90 minutes, you would have thought I was ill. Pale (no change there I suppose), sweating, shaking and nauseous, I tried to distract myself from the impending reality. I thought 10 years and a good performance record would offer me some protection. But my bubble burst when co-workers with 20, 25 and 30 years of service were let go. I honestly had no idea whether I would make the cut. Lemme tell you, that was a desperately helpless feeling that turns my stomach yet again as I type this.

Once upon a time, my career defined me. It made me feel successful and important and fulfilled. And then my daughter got sick so I took 7 months off of work to care for her. Those are minutes that I wouldn't trade for anything but they were not without consequences. My career has been aimless and faltering ever since as I've bounced from project to project without the security of a permanent job. So as this meeting approached, my prayer was simple:

Lord, thank you that you are faithful to provide for my family. Whether it is with this company or another, would you lead me to a job where I can once again contribute and find fulfillment? A real job that challenges me, that's all I ask. Whatever I am about to hear, help me to respond with grace and wisdom. May your will be done. Amen.

So when I learned that my new job would take me back to where I was 8 years ago, I was surprisingly calm. A real job! A job that I was good at and can be again. A job that will allow me to contribute and find fulfillment. My prayers were answered. And as I pause to reflect, I realize that God has been preparing me for this. Lillian's illness; an aimless return to the workforce; tearful co-worker's goodbyes. All of these brought the perspective I needed to handle the news with a grateful heart. I can't wait to embark on yet another new chapter in my life. And though it's harder to see through the tears, I know God has a plan for the other families impacted by these layoffs. I will be praying for them as their new chapters unfold as well.

Eternal life insurance

The second anniversary of Lillian's death came and went on April 4th. I thought about posting but I didn't have anything new to say. I thought this would get easier but I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought I was doing well but I forgot that grief is a roller coaster that can slam you face first into a brick wall without notice. Okay, I'll admit that analogy was muddled but still completely accurate. So forgive me if I'm a little melancholy.

The great thing about the cyber world (blogging, Facebook, Twitter, etc) is it's ability to make the world a smaller community. As I'm learning, that's also the difficult thing about the cyber world. The recent deaths of two children to prominent bloggers set the cyber world ablaze last week. Everywhere I turned there was sadness and anger and confusion and sympathy for these shell shocked families. And the outpouring managed to fuel the fire of sadness in my heart as well. I know all to well the difficult journey unfolding before these heartbroken parents and thus my soul aches for them. So forgive me if I'm a little withdrawn.

And then there's work. The Powers-That-Be are locked behind closed doors as they plan our fate. A few months ago, they announced the intention to layoff 3% of the work force. Needless to say, there has been an anxious vibe ever since. But now that it is obvious the layoff planning is reaching critical mass, the anxiety is palpable. So forgive me if I'm a little worried.

The cumulative effects of these events have crept into every corner of my world. During the busy moments, I move about happily taking each second as it comes. But during the quiet moments, my mind succumbs to the sadness and the worry. It's at those times that I pray. Beseeching God to give me peace. To heal my heart. To show me His plans for my future. But all I hear is the sound of my own desperate pleas.

This relationship between God and I has become lopsided. I ask and ask and ask, yet my Bible sits unopened and I haven't set foot in church for nearly a year. I haven't truly listened for answers.

Then it hit me. I'm treating God like my Eternal Life Insurance policy. By accepting Jesus as my Savior, I was issued a policy that will provide heavenly coverage for eternity, payable upon death. So I stick the policy in a drawer, glance at it every once in a while just to make sure everything is up to date and renew my coverage when I need to.

Okay, that's an exaggeration...but not by much. Today especially, I'm reminded of the willing sacrifice God made for me. And yet all I seem to focus on is the last word of that sentence...me. Shouldn't there be more to this relationship? I know God will give me strength when I am drowning in sadness. I know I will see my angel in heaven again. And if I lose my job, I know I will be okay. Because thankfully, God's love and grace are more steadfast than mine. And maybe I needed these events to remind me of that fact.

Planning for the worst, hoping for the best

My company announced that layoffs would be coming in the next couple of months. Even though I don't know if my job will be impacted, we've put the brakes on spending. Things we previously considered "necessities" have been downgraded to "luxuries" and eliminated. It's been a good exercise even though I fear we're effectively screwing the economy. Sorry everyone.

Here are some of the cuts we've made recently.

Our pipes are old and our water is not fluoridated so the lovely folks at Cascade Springs had been bringing 5 gallon bottles of clean, fluoridated water to our doorstep. Clearly a necessity, right? Wrong. We've installed a faucet filter and are getting fluoride drops for free from the pharmacy.

We live in a wooded area and thus have problems with pests. Ants, yellow jackets, four-footed-furry-friends, the works. In order to ward off these unwanted visitors, the fine folks from Barrier Pest Control spray toxic chemicals all around our property once a quarter. Not exactly the healthiest choice but hey, neither is having mice scamper through your pantry. Since the hubby is doing most of the work (he is the Great White Hunter you know), he has decided to take over all extermination responsibilities. Beware critters.

Gone are the housekeepers. (This has been the hardest cutback by far!) Buh bye magazine subscriptions. So long Netflix.

It really hasn't been that hard to cut out these little extras. In fact, I'm wondering why we needed them in the first place. And since those were so easy, I've got a few other ideas rattling around in my brain. I'm considering eliminating our land line (except we bundle this service so I'm not sure if that would save any money in the long run). I'm going to talk to my hair stylist to see if we could do color every other appointment.

Although this has been a good exercise, my hope is that my job is secure and we don't need to make anymore cuts. Frankly, that next layer of expenses wouldn't be as easy to cut and would impact our standard of living. Bottom line, it would hurt a little...but not a lot.

How about you? Has this economy caused you to make changes? Any advice for saving money?

What a morning.

It's only 9:15am and already this day has served me a giant crap sandwich. Being the generous person that I am, I thought I would share it with you. If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Haha, just kidding. Maybe.

It all started when I reluctantly crawled out of bed and stepped on the scale. Normally I wait until after my workout to weigh myself but I recently read that the number may be higher post exercise and I wanted to test the theory.

Let me pause to mention that on "The Biggest Loser" this week, a contestant who had immunity gained 2 lbs. Convenient, right? Though she did a commendable acting job, I was convinced that she was water logged for her immunity weigh-in so that she would have better numbers next week. Not a bad plan and I wouldn't blame her a bit.

Okay, enough about her, let's talk about me some more. So I hopped on the scale and through bleary eyes, I was horrified to see the number. I gained 2 lbs?! How is that possible? I redoubled my efforts this week with daily work outs and stellar eating. SO HOW COULD I GAIN WEIGHT? Suddenly, I had a new found empathy for that Biggest Loser contestant. Perhaps she wasn't acting after all. And then my clearly rational mind decided that I must be harboring 5 lbs of...um...pee. Yes, that's the problem, I just need to go potty and work out and the number will be reasonable again.

After visiting the loo, I dragged my pitiful self back to the playroom for a workout convinced it would make the difference. But when I returned to the scale, I found basically the same stupid number. [insert numerous 4-letter words here] My initial response was an immediate craving for potato chips and donuts with a chocolate milk shake chaser. Huh, I wonder how I ended up weighing over 200 lbs? I resisted that temptation but boy, oh boy am I discouraged.

And that's the bread in this crap sandwich. Now onto the creamy middle.

The morning's scale shenanigans meant that I was running late. So I ran out to the car to find the windows were frozen over. I turned on the heater and popped the trunk to get out the ice scraper. Before I got to the ice scraper, I grabbed the paper from the driveway as I do everyday. I toss it onto the porch before I leave for work so that it's more convenient for the hubby. I know, I know, I'm wonderful. Anyhoo, I grabbed the paper, walked over to the porch and gave it a toss. The world started moving in slow motion as the paper flew into the air and ricocheted off the light fixture. My hands flew to my mouth in horror as the globe cover came crashing down. All I could do is shake my head and return inside to get a broom. Did I mention that I was running late?

The final layer in the crap sandwich came shortly after I arrived at work. I screeched into the parking lot, ran to my office, dropped my purse, grabbed my bag and dashed to my first meeting. As soon as I entered the room, my new boss stood, walked around the conference table and quietly asked me to leave. Again. It's a long story but suffice it to say that my work doesn't naturally fit with any one group so they moved me over to report to the HR organization. Needless to say, there is a lot of confidential information passed around at an HR staff meeting. Which means that I am typically asked to leave from about 90% of the meetings. Normally I just shrug and exit without a second thought. But after the earlier blows, this one hurt.

And that is just the first 3 hours of my day. Frankly, I'm a little worried about what more is to come!

I don't know about you but I'm going to have a soda and chips & salsa with my burrito for lunch. Screw it. I need something to wash down this crap sandwich.

Feeling old

My first introduction to computers was in elementary school in 1983. Three shiny new Apple IIe's were available to a select group of handpicked students for a half hour each day. I was one of those lucky few. Despite their modest teacher's salaries, my parents had the foresight to buy one of these precious machines for our home as well. Complete with a daisy wheel printer, I used that workhorse through high school.

Unfortunately the Apple IIe was too big and cumbersome to take with me to college. So I managed just fine with an electric typewriter. Fellow students often begged to borrow my fancy schmancy typewriter which shows you just how few options there were. A computer lab had just popped up in a dorm basement. But since the internet didn't exist, computers were primarily word processing tools. And with so few computers available in the lab, you couldn't hog a machine for the length of time needed to write a paper. So really, what was the point?

At my first job, I graduated to a laptop and Lotus 1-2-3 software. I don't think we had a mouse as we used keystroke codes for opening files and formatting and such. (Anyone remember /-File-Retrieve?) EVERYTHING was done in a spreadsheet from cover letters to business plans. The internet still didn't exist nor did e-mail so we ran from floor to floor with 3.5" disks to transfer information. The only reason we needed the laptop was to upload files from a particular software program into the one centralized docking station in the building.

When I found out my next company had Excel, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Not to mention that a year after I started, we also got e-mail. Of course, only within the company so documents to external folks still required heavy use of fax machines. One of our primary software programs came with a 3" binder of codes as push button shortcuts didn't exist. This was also my first experience at travelling with a laptop. Of course it stayed in my hotel room during the day. I would go from place to place writing down information on paper and then transferring into the computer in the evenings.

In 1999, I came to my current company and a whole new world opened up. We had laptops, e-mail, color monitors, the INTERNET! My fax usage dropped from several times a day to a few times a year. Now I am completely addicted to my Crackberry Blackberry and am never more than a keystroke away from the internet.

Why do I take you on this trip down memory lane? Certainly not to date myself. It's hard to believe this evolution only spans the last 25 years. No, this diatribe was spurred by a group of MIT students who have taken over a conference room in my building for a project. While that in itself is a little strange, I can't help but notice a larger change in the conference room as I walk by. This conference room has become a veritable sea of laptops. And that made me pause to think.

Though my company is current with technology, you rarely see a single laptop in a meeting unless someone is giving a presentation. Notes are still taken by hand on pen and paper. Group discussions are first written on white boards and flip charts and later transcribed into a computer. It's certainly not the most efficient process but oddly, no one seems to question it.

Which makes me wonder: when will we begin to question it?

College students today bring their laptops to every class. Unlike me, they grew up with computers. They live on the internet. Their primary communication vehicles are digital. As this generation of graduates enters the workforce, will they conform to our pad-and-paper-ways or will we conform to theirs?

So what I'm really trying to say is...I feel old.

If it were up to me...

• ...the first day back to work after a long holiday break OR vacation for that matter would be a half day. We need some transition time! How can we be expected to instantly go from sitting on the couch all day to sitting in a chair all day? How I ask you?

• ...car dealers would be honest. Am I to believe this scenario: 1) Drop broken car off on Monday. 2) Car is diagnosed as broken (duh) and part is ordered. 3) As of Friday, the part still hasn't arrived. The service guy assigned to my car is coincidentally not at work on Friday. 4) Today, my car is magically ready to go. The service guy assigned to my car is also back at work today. Seriously, is that believable? Let me paint the more likely scenario: 1) same 2) same 3) Service guy goes on vacation on Wednesday, meanwhile part arrives. 4) Service guy returns, plugs in part and car is ready to go.

• ...I would not start eating sugar again...EVER. The detox headaches are sooooooo not worth it. My body is still reeling from the holiday binging. Overall it's really not happy with this whole healthy eating and exercising routine but sooner or later, it will have to accept this new reality. I'm in charge Body, do you hear me? Suck it up! You're not getting any cinnamon bears no matter how hard you beg.

That's my top 3 for today, what's yours?

The real world

A few months ago my boss took a new job in another division. Since I don't currently have any direct reports either and my work is fairly autonomous, I took it upon myself to start working what my company likes to call an "alternative work schedule." The rest of the world calls it four 10's. I call it bliss.

Sure I left a little earlier and came home a little later but it was well worth it for the three day weekends. I started taking the kiddo to Gymboree on Friday. We'd go grocery shopping. I'd watch daytime television during naptime. The hubby was able to go hunting or work in the yard or whatever else he considers fun. So pretty much, it was awesome.

Yesterday, I was asked to start working on a project for a different group. As part of that work, they also want me to attend their weekly staff meetings. Which are on Fridays.

There goes my alternative work schedule.

So here I sit, blogging working away on a Friday. And let me tell you, it is no easy task. Five day work weeks are HARD. Why did I ever switch to four days? Adding back that fifth day is brutal! I have to focus and think and go to meetings. Oh, and put on real clothes. Do you know how hard it is to shower and put on heels? On a FRIDAY? If this is the real world, I want no part of it.

Crap, I have to run to a meeting. Stupid Friday.

Say it with me now...sab-ba-ti-cal

I have a question for you my internet friendz. Something wonderful and magical is going to happen in my humdrum little life next year. Due to my ten years of dutiful service, my company is giving me this mysterious thing known as a SABBATICAL! Ooooooo. Ahhhhhh.

Apparently this great company o mine will grant me 5 consecutive weeks away from work to do whatever I want. Paid! (Well, I do have to pony up half of the time out of my PTO bank but who cares? It's 5 whole weeks of work-free bliss!) All this just for showing up for the last 10 years. Or at least most of it. I have taken 2 maternity leaves and a medical leave to care for Lillian. But graciously, they don't seem to mind those hiatuses. Hiati? Hiatians? Whatever.

Which brings me back to my question.

If you had 5 weeks to do whatever* you want,

whenever you want, what would you do?

*There are a few parameters to keep in mind in this scenario. 1) Assuming the inventors have not cut you in on their new found windfall, you are not independently wealthy. 2) You have a husband and an 18-month-ish old baby who will probably want to tag along on your sabbatical adventures. 3) You have an entire year to plan for this which probably means you'll change your mind several times before ultimately sitting around the house watching daytime television for 5 weeks.