Helpful Hints

At Lillian's service our Chaplain, Cody, prayed that people would know what to say to us. That their words would be soothing and not cause any additional grief. God has been faithful in answering that prayer. But I can see from sympathetic looks and awkward pauses that many people just don't know what to say to a grieving person. I wouldn't. Undoubtedly I would be the one to say something stupid. (I'm better in writing than in person.) So I thought I might use my experience being on the receiving end to help other conversationally-challenged folks know how to handle the most extreme of circumstances...you know...when someone...you know...goes to that place in the clouds...angels, harps, that kind of thing...you know...dies. Whew, now that we've got that out in the open, here's my advice:

What to avoid:

• "How are you doing?" Okay, this one is tough. It's really a pretty benign question filled with the best of polite intentions but somehow, in these circumstances, the answer is complicated. If you use the standard response of "good", it doesn't seem accurate and inevitably evokes a look of confusion. How could you possibly be good?! If you say "bad", the conversation swirls into a pity pool from which there is no graceful recovery.
• "It's better this way." Death is hardest on the living. Though it may be better for the deceased to not have to endure pain any longer, the suffering for those who survive is just beginning. It's never better to be without someone you love. Never.
• "I don't know how you live through something like this." Frankly, I didn't know that was an option! We watched the movie "Eragon" (a poor man's "Lord of the Rings" if you ask me but worth the rental). The movie is about dragons and their riders. The bond between a rider and his dragon is so strong that when the rider dies, the dragon cannot survive. Perhaps that is how it should be with humans but alas, that's not God's plan.

What to say:

• "I'm sorry." It can't truly sum up the depth of sympathy but what else can you say? It's short, it's simple and it's honest.
• "I'm praying for you." Okay, there's a trick to this one. I love to learn that people are praying for me. What greater gift than to lift someone else up to the Creator of EVERYTHING? But the trick is, you can't just say you're praying. You've got to actually pray. Sorry, I don't make the rules, I just communicate them.
• "Want to grab a cup of coffee?" This one is a bit tricky too. Timing is critical. For example, I wouldn't make this offer at the funeral. Wait a couple weeks and check in. Also, a cup of coffee may be substituted with breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks or pretty much anything else involving an food-related activity. Though it's technically not critical, I like the food activity for two reasons - 1) everyone has to eat sometime and 2) it gives you something to do in between crying and laughing. Oh yes, there will be crying and laughing. Likely more of the former than the latter. Hey, I didn't say this one was easy. If crying makes you squeamish, stick with "I'm sorry" and get out FAST. You never know what may provoke a gusher.

Thank you all so much for keeping track of us. We've appreciated your sympathy. We've felt your prayers. And we've loved chatting with you over food of any kind.

Grief is such a selfish process that it is only recently that I've been able to realize how many people are also grieving over the loss of Lillian. So to all of you I say "I'm sorry. I'm praying for you. Want to grab a cup of coffee?"