Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Cry Baby

There is a wonderful leader at my company who, through a genuine outpouring of emotion, sheds a heartfelt tear or two in many of his speeches. I've often joked that if I were to do the same, I would be seen as weak. (You know...a woman who cries a lot? At WORK? Unstable come to mind?) But the reason his tears are viewed as endearing is that they are not for manipulative purposes. He is authentic. He truly cares about his team and the business.

Now I'm not a big fan of crying in public. Particularly not at work. I certainly don't hold public displays of sadness (P.D.S.) against anyone else but it's just not my cup of tea...or spilled milk. Before returning to work last month, I could have counted on one hand (or more specifically on one finger) the number of times I have cried at work. But not anymore. My boss has seen me weep uncontrollably. The President of Global Operations got a choked up voicemail. Our CFO who stopped by to offer words of encouragement was met with streaming tears. My poor co-worker caught me mid-breakdown a couple of weeks ago. These are truly caring men so they responded with nothing but compassion. Still, as previously mentioned, I am not a cryer so I find this lack of control frustrating.

I know, I know, don't worry about it. Tears are to be expected. They are signs genuine pain. And to be clear, I'm not apologizing for feeling sad. I still miss my baby girl deeply everyday. I just want to issue a warning that right now, I am like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.
But don't worry. Overall I'm doing fine. I'm not having some sort of breakdown. I didn't return to work too soon. I am taking care of myself. There are simply moments when I am overwhelmed by the intensity of her absence. When I miss her voice or her hugs or her laugh so desperately that I can't contain it. So if you catch me leaking, my advice is to flash me that sympathetic look I've grown to expect and continue with business as usual. Unless of course you are great at telling jokes. Speaking of which, have you heard the one about the crazy blogger lady?

10 comments:

crybaby May 22, 2007 at 7:29 PM  

I have been crying a lot lately, too much in fact...it's lame and yet I can't stop it. I hate to be seen as not handling my life, or moody, or weak, but this week I am all of those things. I keep thinking soon, soon I will be strong again. You are not alone and in fact have reason to let er rip! Cry your head off Lori, anytime you want, I cry for you too, and for all of the mother's and father's out there just trying to not cry.
Katie

Crybaby moment queen May 22, 2007 at 8:08 PM  

I remember I had to explain to Maddy, so I wasn't scaring her, that I was just having a crybaby moment and just ignore me.
Also, the concerned look or the questions have to be the worst. I like to pretend that everything is just okay.
I hope that your co-workers can just roll with the punches. You deserve to deal with things just how you can. Andrea

Anonymous May 23, 2007 at 11:48 AM  

Lori,
You owe it to yourself to cry ,cry and then some more.The tears are now rolling down my face as I try to write this,but you know I cry a lot.
Tell Jeff that his yard looks fantastic and I know it is a lot of hard work.
Maire and Bryson were home for weekend and it was good.You are one great lady and I thank God each day that you both are in our lives.
God love and bless you.
Deborah

The Tucson Gang May 23, 2007 at 2:08 PM  

Let's see the only jokes I can think of on the spot are really bad knock knock jokes...guess you can keep one or two in your pocket for that needed occassion (or maybe they'll make you cry BECAUSE they are so bad! :-) )

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Shelby
Shelby who?
She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes...

Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Albie
Albie who?
Albie...a funny joke!

Knock, Knock
Who's There?
Vera
Vera who?
Vera few people think these jokes are funny!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Aren't you glad I didn't write down one more knock knock joke?

I think about you a lot...and have those moments too, when I'm remembering us at the beach, shopping at Target and wandering through the girl aisle, the reality of not seeing her again until I see her in heaven. Go ahead, we may not understand everything that you are going through, but we do feel for you both, can't imagine the feelings you are going through.

So, go ahead...be a crybaby...little sis, it's ok.
Traci

Jennifer May 23, 2007 at 4:56 PM  

Lori,
I hope you can cry around me any time...I can't even make it through the finale of the play...which happens to be based on a COMIC strip...without crying. I know that I can't even begin to understand the depth of how much you miss your little one, so I will do anything I can to be there for you during this and if that means being there with you when you cry...or telling you a joke (I warn you...your sister's jokes are better than mine), or doing anything else you need me to do...I'm SO there for you.
Love,
Jenn

Cheryl May 24, 2007 at 9:40 AM  

Lori,

I LOVE your transparency and honesty. You are such a blessing to others in how real you are. Thank you for not hiding that.

I don't mind you crying whenever. You're entitled. I can't even begin to fathom the depth of your sorrow and loss. I know there aren't really any words to comfort or console...so I won't even try...but would a hug be okay, every now and then, just to remind you that you're loved and still being prayed over?

Cheryl

PS. I'm so glad our paths have intersected once again while working on this silly musical.

Anonymous May 24, 2007 at 7:51 PM  

Lori,
I too HATE to cry in public, maybe even more than you. I have also felt like it was a sign of weakness for me to cry publicly or in front of ANYONE (even Scott or my family). I don't care if others cry in front of me, but for me it must show that I am not a strong person. I too have been exceptionally emotional in the past year with all the changes. Part of the reason it was good to get away from Doernbecher's and out of a hospital for a while. Heck, twice in the past week I was reading a book to Joshua and started to cry, of course one of them was a Tale of Three Trees, but still. You are allowed to cry (even at work!) and you can cry around me any time! Of course you will probably get me crying. But as our family psychologist would probably say it is good for all of us to have a good cry every once in a while (or all the time).

I don't know any good jokes, sorry. If you want something to laugh about I dropped my cell phone in the toilet today. It wasn't funny at the time, but looking back on it now it is kinda funny. Okay enough rambling.

God Bless. Beth

Anonymous May 26, 2007 at 8:06 AM  

OK, I need to fess up...I'm crying as I read your blog this week, and crying as I read the responses. Yes, it's in the privacy of my home (I too am a public tear-a-phobe), but I'm going to make it a bit more public by posting a comment.

I'm so thankful that you have had people in your life, personally and professionally, who can allow you to cry and feel pain when you need to feel it.

Know that David, Kate and I pray for you and Jeff a lot. Kate always prays that the Lord will remind you both that Lillian is with Him and happy. (Kids are pretty smart, I guess.)

Thank you for sharing with us in such a real way. Cry at will. Since I'm no good at jokes, I'll promise to cry with you.

Jennie

Anonymous May 26, 2007 at 4:58 PM  

SILLY musical???? What's this crazy talk?!?!?! ;) She meant to say AWESOME musical... I'm sure of it. (Becci)

Cheryl May 27, 2007 at 11:26 AM  

AWESOME Musical!!

:)

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