The Storm

Sorry, I think I may be the reason for the rain today. It just suits my mood so well. Today is the first anniversary of Lillian's death and I feel... bruised. That's the best way I can describe it. I awoke with a deep ache but when a poem about a little girl's first day of school was read on the radio, sharp pains radiated out from my heart like fire. Unknowingly, they had poked my bruise. It's been just the first of many pokes today.

I wasn't sure how to commemorate such an important day. We have rituals for most of a person's key dates but not for this one. It's interesting that last year my grief was purely selfish. I couldn't even lift my head to see how many other people were also in pain. But this year, I'm consumed with sadness for all those mourning Lillian and for all those fighting cancer. And I feel like I want to honor my sweet angel in ways that help others too. So I've done a few different things:

• I created a memory book filled with pictures and culminating in the blog of her battle. I hope this helps our family remember all the moments of Lillian's life.



• I created an iMix of the songs that ministered to me in my grief. I hope this helps other people in pain.



• I had new wristbands made with "Lillian's Legacy" on them. I hope this reminds people to give generously to cancer causes.



• I finished the first draft of a book for critically ill kids about understanding death called "The Chaplain and the Cat." I hope this helps sick kids in their battle.

It still doesn't seem like enough. I want everyone to know my little girl. I wish I had a giant megaphone and could tell everyone about her bravery and her laugh and her spirit. I wish I could cure cancer so that no other child or parent had to endure this pain. I just want to do something. Something huge to forever secure Lillian's name in the history books. So that long after I'm gone, her name and her short little life would still be remembered. If I step back from this desperation, I can see that her name is in the most important book. God wrote her name in the book of life. Lillian is one of His treasured children. Regardless of earthly fame, her life was special and meaningful.

Tomorrow we are going to a memorial service at Doernbecher for all the children who died there in the last year. On Sunday, through a generous donation by some dear friends, a tree will be planted at our church in Lillian's memory. It will be a weekend filled with special moments honoring our girl. And it is so comforting to know that even though as time passes, I feel further from her, I'm actually getting closer to seeing her again in heaven. This time for eternity. Praise God.