Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Strangely Quiet

I don't know how other parents handle the death of their child but I can guess. For some, seeing the toys is hard. For others, the photos. For me, it's the little, intangible things. Like Monday would have been her 2 1/2 birthday. I know, I know, who cares about a 1/2 birthday? But since we were in Emmanuel for rehab for her 2nd birthday (just 8 days post-resection), it wasn't much of a birthday. Just a few family members huddled around a table in the hospital cafeteria. I was hoping to use this 1/2 birthday to make up for it. And whooo-hooo, don't get me started on my big plans for her 3rd birthday!

Or my first solo trip to Costco to pick up pictures in preparation for her memorial service. Costco has always been the diaper, formula and book store for us. Our first Mommy-daughter outing after Lillian was born was to Costco when she was just 5 days old. Later Jeff and Lillian would look at the books while I raced around throwing the other items from our list into the cart. Last week the cart seemed to want to steer itself to the book aisle until I regained my senses.

And last night Jeff and I returned home after a week in Palm Springs. We rented a home with a pool for some anti-social relaxation and reflection time. I know so many of you would give your right arm for a week of fun in the sun but it was very strange for us. Being a parent means very little personal time and being the parent of a sick child means no personal time. So a week with nothing to do was just plain weird. It was nice, don't get me wrong, but I'm glad to be home. I know it's irrational but as we de-planed in Portland and walked through the throngs of waiting loved ones, I found myself looking around for Lillian.

I guess all this is to say, it's hard but we're hanging in there. Though these little things knock the wind out of me on a regular basis, I'm perversely glad they do. It keeps her memory alive. In fact, I think I'm more scared for the day when seeing "The Wonder Pets" on tv doesn't reduce me to tears.

Thank you all for your prayers and cards and for keeping Lillian alive through your memories as well.

10 comments:

Anonymous April 18, 2007 at 9:35 PM  

Lori,

Thanks for continuing the blog. Out of habit or just missing Lillian I check often. Even now when EVERYTHING except my computer and some clothes are in a box ready to be shipped tomorrow, I am sitting here thinking of you guys. Needless to say it is actually a good thing that I will be taking a break from DCH because I think of you all even more there, making working difficult. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers! I will keep you posted of our new adventure as well when we make it to DC.

Take care & God Bless!
Beth

Anonymous April 19, 2007 at 8:12 AM  

Lori and Jeff,

Thanks for keeping the blog going. Please know that not a day goes by that I do not think of your family and say a prayer for you all. I cannot begin to understand what you and Jeff must be feeling at this time, but I just want you both to know that you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. If there is anything we can do please let us know.

Sarah, Glen & Tucker

Heidi T April 19, 2007 at 9:23 AM  

Lori,

I am thinking of you and Jeff, and Lillian, every day. I have that adorable little picure of her on my bookcase, which I pass many times a day. I don't want to forget her, and love the little reminder of her every time I see it. It of course reminds me of you and Jeff as well, and I wonder how you are doing. Thank you for continuing with the blog. I have been eager to hear your words, which I have found very comforting. Odd how those closest to the pain tend to by the ones that comfort the rest of us. When you're ready let us know, us "Girls" are all anxious to see you.

Much Love,
Heidi T

Dallas and Kelly April 19, 2007 at 12:49 PM  

You guys are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. Many prayers.
-Dallas and Kelly Lange

The Tucson Gang April 19, 2007 at 1:06 PM  

Lori-
I am so glad to see that you are continuing w/the blog - in this fashion. You have such a way of writing that makes us who are far away feel like we are closer to you. Your writings make us laugh and cry, but in either case, we feel close to you and can feel your pain, tears, etc.

Thank you for sharing all of this...we love you guys.
Traci

Anonymous April 19, 2007 at 4:12 PM  

I have been checking evey few day. I am so glad you are keeping us updated on how you are doing. I talked to sean about lilian and he says to me she is in heaven with the other kids playing and going to school like everyone else is. I have a picture that pops up on my screen saver of her at christmas and he sasy see she is having fun! I did want to ask you a question about a health issue if you have any time to e-mail me that would be wonderful, it is not urgent, I know your mind is not on that sort of thing, and I would have sent you a message but I dont have your e-mail address.
jwinegar76@comcast.net
Love to all of you!!
Jennifer

Anonymous April 19, 2007 at 4:44 PM  

Hi Jeff and Lori-
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and the pain you must be feeling. I know I don't know you well, but please know that I am praying for healing for you, and that your marriage will be stronger through Jesus. I have Lillian's picture on my dresser to remind me to pray for you daily.

Anonymous April 19, 2007 at 6:37 PM  

I am happy to know that you are surviving. "Day by day" thats what people keep telling me though I know for you it must be "second by second". I love you and miss you both. I am so happy that you are both in my life and my family. Stay strong and know that we are here for you if you need anything. Maura

Anonymous April 20, 2007 at 6:08 PM  

I have been reading your blog for quite some time. I looked forward to your updates and was praying for Lillian everyday. I found you through our friend Claire Miller's site. You write beautifully and taught me more than you know. I was so so sad to read of your angel. I think of you and your husband all of the time, and look forward to reading your Next Chapter. Thanks for your words and inspiration. You, Jeff and Lillian are my heroes!
Kathy

Mindy April 21, 2007 at 2:57 PM  

Lori,
Thank you for continuing this blog - like many others I have been checking Lillian's blog often. You and Jeff are in my thoughts, many times a day, and I pray for your comfort. Your strength is inspiring to us all.
Mindy and Bill

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