Couch Potato

Well, it's official. One of my biggest fears has happened. I have become lazy again. You know that selfish, lazy existence that occurs when you can do what you want when you want? You wake up when you want. You lounge around watching tv when you want. You go to the bathroom when you want (without anyone watching). Well, that's where I am once again. I feel a little bad about lamenting my state. After all, I know a ton of very busy moms & dads that would kill for a day of selfish laziness. But lemme tell ya, the novelty wears off quickly. And I don't mean to say it's a bad thing either. I just know that it's temporary and will be tough to let go of again. Let me explain...

One of the most difficult transitions of motherhood for me was the loss of freedom. Before Lillian came into our lives, I would work all day then come home and flop on the couch. I awoke to the sound of the alarm clock and could choose to press snooze several times for "just five more minutes" of sleep. After becoming a mom, I soon realized that all of that changes. I mean I knew it in theory but reality was a totally different story.

I remember being soooooo tired one Sunday after a particularly grueling night of getting up with a teething child. When she awoke at her normal 6am, I was simultaneously impressed by her ability to wake up happy and full of energy despite a sleepless night for both of us and depressed that I too had to get up and start the day so early. Around 11am I was ready to drop. Every fiber of my being was screaming for a nap. My head felt like it was floating above my body. And yet, here was this happy little person just wanting to play so my nap would have to wait until her nap time.

I adjusted to this new world after time. I think it's like any change, a new normal settles in and pushes out any memories of what used to be. And beyond just accepting this new normal, I grew to love it. Yes, parenting is a 24 hour a day job. And yes, it can be exhausting. But every age came with new discoveries and new joy that made it worthwhile.

After Lillian passed away, we decided to remodel the house partially because it would keep our evenings busy. And I'm still trying to keep my evenings full with bible study or visiting with friends or trying out a new recipe. Anything to avoid settling into that laziness because once we have another child, the freedom that I've enjoyed yet again will be difficult to relinquish.

But it has happened. This new yet all too familiar normal has taken hold. How do I know? I've been wearing a pedometer to track my steps. On average I walk about 2,900 steps a day. A far cry from the recommended 10,000 but each day I make small changes to ramp that number up. That is until yesterday. A leisurely four day weekend culminated in the ultimate couch potato day where I logged a measly 373 steps. ::gasp:: How's that for lazy?

At this point, I need to learn to appreciate this little hiatus. Soon enough it will be but a faint memory and I'll be longing for a 373 step day. Because it's all too likely that I'll have many 373 step NIGHTS. So as much as I miss bath time and story time and rocking my dear baby to sleep, I will try to make the most of this short time. To not spend all my energy wishing for what was or what will be but just enjoying what is. As hard as that may be.