Friday, August 10, 2007

Guilty Pleasure

After Lillian passed away, when people would ask me how I was doing, I was careful to say "okay" or "not too bad". Every once in a while I would slip and respond with the traditional "good". Which inevitably would be met with "good as can be expected I suppose." Instant guilt. I know that wasn't the intention but grief is a strange thing. One minute you're a weeping wreck and the next minute you're actually doing good. Not as good as can be expected but good. Granted those minutes are few and far between at times. It was interesting feeling guilty about feeling good.

As Jeff and I get excited about a new baby, it too is not without a fair share of guilt. It's as though we're not supposed to look forward to a future without Lillian. I wish with all my heart that Lillian was here to join us in welcoming a new brother or sister. Because that's the way I'm looking at this adoption. People have commented that we can't replace Lillian and that is true. But like any parent with more than one child, we can find room in our hearts to love another baby. And that baby will be Lillian's brother or sister even if they won't have a chance to meet on this side of eternity.

So I am wrestling with how to tie the past and the future together. How do we tell this new baby about their big sister? Do the pictures stay up as though our beautiful two year old is frozen in time? How do I remember all the moments with Lillian while new memories are forming everyday with a new baby? While this adoption feels so right, I am praying for wisdom in how to make this transition.

4 comments:

LCM August 10, 2007 at 1:24 PM  

I think you should totally tell the baby all about his big sister. Don't feel guilty when you think, oh Lilian and I would totally have laughed together about what the new baby was doing. I also like to keep journals for the girls. I can go back and remember things and talk to them about what either one of the did about something. I would talk to the baby like Lilian was still there, so he can learn about the big sister he has.
I know you guys will continue to be outspoken about childhood cancer and you can use that to help him understand things as well.
I don't think anyone does guilt better than moms! That's a real tough thing to deal with.

Anonymous August 10, 2007 at 5:24 PM  

I think that, just like the expansion of love in the heart, the brain can expand for those memories that are truly special. Some of the most random things remind me of Lillian, usually when I am least expecting it. And I don't think that will ever go away. So far, you have figured out how to work through some of the worst things life has to offer, so I have all of the faith in the world that you will know when the time comes how to tell Lillian's little brother or sister all about her. Michelle

Anonymous August 10, 2007 at 6:21 PM  

I'm not sure if you read this from Lexie's site or not, but this is from the mom of one of my HS classmates. You can read the entry, and I know she'll offer some advice to you if you want to contact her via e-mail.

MONDAY, AUGUST 06, 2007 05:58 PM, CDT
The hardest word mankind knows is 'GoodBye.'
And we don't want to ever have to do that.
But cherish those memories you have created with your daughter since the day she was born. Those memories will live on in your heart forever. You will think of each passing day as it was the first day of her life. And you will reflect on every memory you have made.
I lost a son at 8 months. It has been 25 years ago. And seeing you and other moms and dads going through this brings back all the heartache and sadness that we went through.
I know your every sorrow. And it still hurts and brings tears to my eyes to see someone else have to give God's child back so soon.
But Lexy and her memory are relying on you to keep her in everyones hearts. No one will talk about her if you don't. And the best way for healing is to openly talk with everyone about the joy she brought to your family, and the heartache you are experiencing. Keep her in your life forever by sharing her with your memories.
My son had passed away before 3 of my other children were born. But they all know about him and know he was a part of our family. Because I made sure they didn't forget him. He was and still is their brother and our son. Although he went before us to help prepare our home in heaven.
God Bless you all with the strength and courage to face the up coming days.
But remember she will be in the arms of someone who cherishes her as much as you do.
Our love you, Lexy, as you journey home with your father in heaven. Your truely are blessed to have had a Great mom and dad on earth to take the best care of you that they did. Now it is God's turn, to take you home.

Judy and Dennis Krause djkrause@rrt.net

yes, we're still on the 9th floor. We hope to go home soon, or move to 10S. But feel free to come visit, we'll be here...

Krissy Keelan August 10, 2007 at 6:25 PM  

sorry Lori, that last post came out anonymous, I forgot to fill in the info for other...

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