Guilty Pleasure

After Lillian passed away, when people would ask me how I was doing, I was careful to say "okay" or "not too bad". Every once in a while I would slip and respond with the traditional "good". Which inevitably would be met with "good as can be expected I suppose." Instant guilt. I know that wasn't the intention but grief is a strange thing. One minute you're a weeping wreck and the next minute you're actually doing good. Not as good as can be expected but good. Granted those minutes are few and far between at times. It was interesting feeling guilty about feeling good.

As Jeff and I get excited about a new baby, it too is not without a fair share of guilt. It's as though we're not supposed to look forward to a future without Lillian. I wish with all my heart that Lillian was here to join us in welcoming a new brother or sister. Because that's the way I'm looking at this adoption. People have commented that we can't replace Lillian and that is true. But like any parent with more than one child, we can find room in our hearts to love another baby. And that baby will be Lillian's brother or sister even if they won't have a chance to meet on this side of eternity.

So I am wrestling with how to tie the past and the future together. How do we tell this new baby about their big sister? Do the pictures stay up as though our beautiful two year old is frozen in time? How do I remember all the moments with Lillian while new memories are forming everyday with a new baby? While this adoption feels so right, I am praying for wisdom in how to make this transition.

Living the Dream

Disease is like the water and you are like the sand.

It comes in and out of your life like waves,

and shapes you to be the person you are,

but it is not who you are.

I believe in

"Living the Dream"

Scottie Somers

I just got back from OC baby. Ugh, you wanna feel bad about yourself? Take a trip to the plastic surgery capital of the world. That place is full of beautiful people...but not in a genuine way. Sad really.

But among the fake I found something real. The highlight of my business trip was meeting a dynamic guy named Scottie. He is a forty year old rocker with Cystic Fibrosis. Despite living with this disease, if you ask how he is doing, he responds "I'm living the dream." How's that for perspective? A few months ago, with the help of Hurley (a Nike subsidiary), he started the "Living the Dream" movement to help kids and young adults with chronic and terminal illnesses live life to the fullest everyday.

I think my eyes and heart have truly been opened to this world of chronic illness in children. Sometimes I long for the innocence of my prior blissful ignorance. But mostly I long to cure the diseases that rob our children of a long, happy life. And I'm always inspired by individuals who turn disease into something productive.

Shout out to Scottie and the GREAT work he's doing. Keep on living the dream!

Wanted: Plumber

What does a plumber have to do with adoption? More than even I would have guessed. I'll spare you the details but let's just say the many plumbing contractors we've met have either been 1) a touch on the shady side, 2) not completely honest with their job schedules or 3) unreliable to show up or even give a bid.

"Okay, you're in a pickle. But I still don't understand what this has to do with adoption."

The home visit! The next step is a home visit. Which means the home must be in some semblance of order. And all work is on hold waiting for the plumbing. Let me map out the timeline:

• Plumbing +1 days - drywall bathroom
• Plumbing +2 days - install cabinets
• Plumbing +3 days - template counter tops (14 days for fabrication)
• Plumbing +4 days - start flooring, tile, trim, etc & install tub
• Plumbing +16 days - finish flooring, tile, trim, etc
• Plumbing +17 days - install counter tops
• Plumbing +18 days - install sinks, faucets
• Plumbing +19 days - final electrical connections
• Plumbing +20 days - finish details (install knobs, paint, decorate...)
  

So if we work like dogs, it will take 20 days after the plumbing is complete before we would be ready for a home visit. And that's if I can get the other contractors (cabinets, counter tops, electrical) back out on the appropriate dates. Right now we have a plumber scheduled to start on August 24th and end on August 28th. Add the 20 days and that puts completion at September 18th. 8 days after our scheduled home visit.

Now I could push out the home visit. I could be patient. Stop laughing, I know I'm not patient but I could be. C'mon, doesn't it seem ridiculous to have the remodel and the adoption on hold waiting for a PLUMBER? So I thought I'd put out the call for help and see if anyone knows of a good plumber looking for some immediate work. I know it's a long shot...but what have I got to lose?

Application & Intake Interview

We just got back from our first adoption appointment, the Application and Intake Interview. Unlike last time, I wasn't nervous. I think it helps that we knew what to expect. Typically this meeting is an opportunity for the counselor to learn more about us and understand our adoption vision. Since we already know the counselor, we spent the majority of the time catching up on the last three years.


Jeff and I have been discussing how blessed we were to have such a great relationship with Lillian's birthfamily. And that we would love to have a girl again (the pink room is already set up after all). What we have come to realize is that we cannot have the same expectations for this next adoption. We are opening ourselves fully to whatever baby and birthfamily God chooses to connect us with. Interestingly, one of the points the counselor made today was exactly that. It's good to see that we're on the same page.

Knowing what to expect also means being ahead of the paperwork game. Though typically this paperwork is completed toward the end of the process, we have eagerly submitted:

• Dear Birthparent letter - This is sent to all birthfamilies and is the way they narrow their choices. They are also posting these letters online now so you can see some examples on the OA&FS website. You know that saying "you never get a second chance to make a first impression"? Well, this is the first impression. We tried to use the same photo as last time (seen above) but they want us to get an updated one. So what if my hair is 6 inches shorter? Sheesh. Ugh, I guess it's picture time.


• Autobiography - One for each parent. 3-5 pages recapping your life, values, experiences, etc. Try getting all that into 3 pages! These autobiographies are included in the vast packet of information sent to a birthfamily once they have narrowed their choices. (Once we're in the pool, if we get really anxious we can ask how many times our "packet" has been sent out. It's a good indicator on how well your Dear Birthparent letter is resonating.)


• Photo collage - 3-5 page collage of casual pictures reflecting our family, home, vacations, hobbies, etc. This is also included in the "packet" and gives a realistic view of our lives. Last time we put this together, I had NO digital photos. How's that for progress? This time, I used exclusively digital photos and put the collage together on the computer. It was much easier. But the pictures only reflect the last 3 years of our lives so we made need to dig into the ole hard copy pics.


• Letters of reference - My wonderful friends and family have already turned in letters for us. Wow, you guys are fast! We need 5 letters of reference - one of which needs to be from a neighbor. That neighbor piece is new. We only know our neighbors superficially so I'm hoping that a friend who lives a few blocks away will count. Or as Jeff pointed out, the neighbors can just tell them that we are quiet and went for walks with Lillian frequently. Wouldn't that make for a glowing recommendation?!

We also signed the agency contract detailing the process and our commitment. And we paid for the next step in the process. Speaking of which, the next step is a home visit planned for September 10th. I would prefer that this was sooner but the house realistically won't be put together before September. What a great motivator to finish this remodel...

Happiness NOW

Times are tough in my cancer community. I should say that times are tough for those of us here on earth. As you know, two weeks ago Chelsea Rae went to be with Jesus. And on Friday, Frederick also earned his wings. Last night, an MRI showed that Lexie's tumor has returned.

I know God has a plan. It's just hard to see it right now. But I am so small, it's no wonder that if I can't understand all of God's ways. I praise God that these kids who have endured so much on earth, are free from pain in heaven. And I ask God for strength for the many people left behind who miss them dearly.

Chelsea Rae's mom posted on her site: "I pray that you never forget those things which God has revealed to you through Chelsea’s journey." This is what God revealed to me through Chelsea Rae and her family. God is good. He blesses us with life so we may prepare for an eternity in heaven. And we should not squander that blessing. Instead, we should live life to the fullest.

After they stopped treatment, Chelsea Rae's family made the most of her final months. Whereas my nature would be to draw inward during difficult times, they set out to make memories. Shopping sprees from Make-A-Wish. Family camping trips. Concerts to meet her favorite Christian artists. While I read as Chelsea's mom described extending a trip to California because Chelsea was not ready to leave, God opened my eyes. We were planning to wait a little longer to begin the adoption process. Just until the remodel was complete. But God placed a sense of urgency on my heart. I knew at that moment that just like Chelsea's family, we should not postpone happiness one minute longer.

As I wade through my own grief at the loss of these children and the setback with Lexie, that sense of urgency grows. If you have been postponing happiness, may I encourage you to (in the words of my great company) "just do it."

Question of the Week

Peer pressure is a very powerful weapon. It should be used for good not evil. In this case, I'm not sure which way it is leading. Thanks to the pressures of friends and my public declaration that I was considering joining myspace in a vain attempt to stay in touch with the youth of the world, I have gone ahead and taken the leap.

I'm not convinced that I will be a true myspace girl. I don't have the time nor the vast network of myspace friends to make it worthwhile. Hey, I've got 2 blogs. It's hard enough to keep up with that! But I've created a very boring, very non-descript url entitled www.myspace.com/simply_lori. If this thing snowballs, I may have to start lying about my age. I think you have to be under 30 or famous to have any ms cred. (That's short for myspace credibility. Really, if I have to explain it, it's just not worth using slang.) Until then, I'm just in it to appease my youthful friends and spy on their fun filled lives.

Since I had a heck of a time coming up with a simple yet unused url name, I thought it would be fun to ask you this question of the week:

What would your url name be?

(myspace, blog, facebook, webpage, whatever)

Dear Lori (Part 2)

Dear Lori,

Just curious - and of course, you don't have to answer if you don't want to...obviously, it's your blog...anyway, here's the question...How much does it cost to do a local adoption?

Signed,
Curious about Costs


Dear Curious,

I don't mind talking about the high finances of adoption. According to the always-accurate Internet, private adoptions range in price from $5k-$40k. International adoptions from $7k-$30k. And public agency adoptions from $0-$2k. Adoptions through our agency run about $20,000.

I'm sure you're thinking that you're in the wrong line of work. Wanna get rich? Start an adoption agency, right? Wrong. Our agency is non-profit. *Gasp* Yep, you heard right...they don't make any money. Then, where is all that money going? Okay, you asked for it. In true math fashion, here is our story problem for today:

With 3 offices in Oregon and Washington, OA&FS places on average 50 children per year. At $20k per adoption, they earn about $1.0m per year. They offer free counseling for all pregnant parents and lifelong counseling for all birthfamilies in addition to facilitating the adoptions and educating the public about open adoption. Based on the services they offer, their expenses include legal fees, operating costs, staff wages and benefits, marketing, etc. In wages alone, how many people could they employee if they paid on average $50,000 per year? (Put your calculator away, the answer is 20.)

Now I don't know how many people they employ or what they pay but I do know that $1.0m doesn't go very far in the business world. It's easy to see how $20k per adoption can still leave them coming up short. And to be clear, in case there are any questions, the birthparents aren't getting any compensation.

The good news is that there is a federal tax credit, for those who qualify, to make adoption more affordable. And my company is one of many that offers an adoption expense reimbursement program. For 2007 the federal tax credit is around $11k and my company will reimburse up to $4k in expenses. It's warms my heart to see government and business working to make adoption more affordable.

I hope that helps shed some light on the wonderful world of adoption financing. But when it comes right down to it, can you put a price on the happiness that a baby brings?

Signed,
Lori